Chocolate is for Girls

My love affair with candy has been lifelong, and while each year I seem to have a new favorite, there’s one variable that unites them all—they are not chocolate. I’m almost cartoonish in my ladydom in so many ways, but a lover of chocolate I am not. That’s not to say that I don’t occasionally crave a Mast Brothers’ masterpiece, but if I had to choose a desert island treat, it would likely be fruity, tart, or even flowery. Essentially any candy that you can clearly envision rotting your teeth to the core, that is what I want. As a kid, I loved Squeeze-Pop (“the liquid lollipop”), basting my tongue in sour-apple lava whenever I had the chance. The public pool was an epicenter of sugary awesomeness. In between games of Marco Polo, I’d shock my system with sour watermelons, Swedish Fish, Spree, and—my favorite by far—Fun Dip.

If there was a chewy component to this treat, I think I could solidly declare it The Best Culinary Invention of All Time. Fun Dip, for those not familiar, combined what was essentially pixie-stick sugar dust, with a white stick of sugar that you used as a device to consume the pixie-dust. Eating sugar with a tool made of sugar. How Wonka-esque! The best thing about Fun Dip was the bang for your buck. You got two treats for the price of one, plus it was impossible to eat quickly. Adult swim would go by in the blink of an eye while I slowly made my way through the small paper packet of deliciousness. By the end, I’d have a bit of stick remaining, which, with its neutral sugar flavor, would act as a palette cleanser to the fruity dust. I’d lick my wrinkly fingers, and with the taste of chlorine and sugar in my mouth think “I wish I never had to go back to school.”

Candygrams are odes to candy by guest authors during the month of October. You can see all of the past Candygrams here and here.

Jessica Hische is a crazy cat lady known for her lettering, silly projects, and occasional foul mouth.